Bon Appétit, Idiot

A Michelin-Star Recipe for Another Toxic Situationship

Today we are learning how to make a toxic situationship in the span of 2 to 4 months, occasionally a decade.

This recipe has been in the family for generations and nobody knows how to stop making it. We’ve simply added Instagram filters to all of the bullshit.

It remains one of humanity’s most reliable recipes for disaster.

This version was passed down to me by my Italian grandmother, though she used less therapy language and more shouting.

It still tastes, somehow, like childhood.

Ingredients (serves 2, very poorly)

• 1 avoidant attachment style, chilled

• 1 anxious attachment style, overheated

• 3–4 unresolved childhood wounds (properly unresolved)

• A handful of red flags, finely ignored

• A large eggplant (for, uhm, texture)

• 2 tbsp of “we’re not officially together”

• 500ml of miscommunication, boiled to maximum heat — label as passion, store later as resentment

• A generous pour of “I can fix them”

• Mindblowing sex (this is load-bearing)

• Friends who saw it coming (again)

Note: if you cannot find “we’re not officially together,” substitute with “I don’t want to label this” or “no expectations plz.” These are the same ingredient.

Method

Begin by combining the avoidant and the anxious in a dimly lit bar. Don’t force it. They will see all the securely attached people and think: nah. They find each other naturally.

This is called chemistry.

It is not chemistry.

Add excessive eye contact. Allow to simmer. Season with mixed signals.

In a separate bowl, place all the red flags. Then ignore them carefully. If you find yourself noticing them, add more alcohol. They will seem more digestible now.

After three or four intensive dates, do not name anything. If someone - usually the anxious one - attempts to define anything, change the subject, suggest a spontaneous trip somewhere, or initiate sex immediately.

Add the phone. It was already there. But now it should feel like a baby nobody adopted, because both of you check for it in the middle of the night.

Fold in the miscommunication gently. Bring it to a full boil after a month, but insist it’s just passion. Let it reduce into something that looks like intimacy but is mostly adrenaline and intermittent reinforcement. That thing they did to rats to make them obsessive and crazy. Look it up. But don’t look at yourself.

By now the mixture should be completely unstable. This is, in fact, the point. Some people mistake this stage for love. Professionals recognise it as the load-bearing sex phase.

Bring in the “they are just a friend” at room temperature.

Now stir both of your childhood wounds in slowly. Notice how all of this gives you an aftertaste of something that happened when you were nine? Do not think about it for too long.

We know it will be tempting, but please do not add accountability at any of these stages. If you insist on the flavour of something real, substitute with fake honesty and a theatrical apology, available at most McDonald’s even after 2:42 a.m. Add even a small amount of actual accountability, and the entire dish will collapse.

Some people will simply start the recipe again and keep turning the oven on and off indefinitely. When the bill from the energy company finally arrives, they will leave you to pay it and look you dead in the eyes and tell you they never lit any of the gas. While still lighting the gas. This is called gaslighting. They will call this: trying to make it work. Which is not even a lie in their universe. It worked - just not for you. Unfortunately none of this is covered by insurance.

Serving Suggestions

This dish is best served cold, like the silent treatment.

However, it can also be reheated infinitely, until even your dignity is overcooked.